Unfortunately, many of us have been or will be subjected to the pain of an unfaithful partner. Some researchers estimate that 30-40% of Americans cheat on their partners. Infidelity is also counted among the most common “final straw” reasons for divorce. While this might all sound like bad news, there is a glimmer of hope to be found in that more than half of American marriages survive following an affair.
Getting past unfaithfulness and getting back to a solid, safe, healthy relationship won’t happen overnight and can’t occur without effort from both partners. It is possible to survive infidelity. Many couples also find that the work it takes to rebuild their relationships results in an even stronger bond than they had before the cheating took place.
The first step is deciding that your union is worth fighting for and that you are both prepared to get to work. You can learn about habits and actions that, when put into practice with sincerity and determination, could be the building blocks to repair your relationship.
The partner who committed adultery must first admit to their wrongdoing and cease communication with the affair partner. They should also figure out why they did so, and develop a plan if those motivations, triggers, or circumstances arise again in the future. It’s important to be completely transparent while trying to mend a damaged relationship. Embracing requests and opportunities to prove trustworthy, accountable, and responsible can be a great way to start bridging the emotional divide we experience following infidelity.
Offer space but try to stick together. When we are reeling from the pain caused by unfaithfulness, it can be tempting to want to get away from our partner, at least for a while. Statistically, married couples who separate are much more likely to divorce, so it’s in our best interest to remain united, if possible. Rather, allow the hurting partner time and space within the relationship to process emotions or take a breather when the pain is overwhelming.
Communicate openly and often. As simple as this sounds, it can be extremely difficult for both partners for distinct reasons. The shame and guilt felt by the partner who was unfaithful can make it difficult to open up and share thoughts and feelings, while the betrayed partner might shut down due to anger, sadness, or self-doubt.
For the partner who had the affair, showing empathy is essential. Listening actively, making gestures and providing feedback to show your partner that you comprehend what they are saying. Pay attention to your partner’s body language, as well, offering a gentle touch or reassuring words when appropriate. Rather than preparing a rebuttal, listen until your partner has finished and then answer questions or provide more information honestly.
It is also essential that we say what we mean and mean what we say. In order to rebuild broken trust, we must be reliable, available, and consistent. Stating that we will be trustworthy going forward is likely to fall on deaf ears unless we exemplify that behavior as well.
The betrayed partner’s struggle is often controlling anger and monitoring emotions while speaking. It is normal to feel outraged and mistreated, and perfectly acceptable to communicate those emotions. However, there can be a fine line between expressing anger and attacking, and the latter can widen the rift, making it even harder to heal the relationship.
Instead, share your pain, worries, and suspicions. Talk about how infidelity has affected your self-worth, ability to trust, and sense of security. But also talk about what led to the affair. Try to remain open to your role in the fractured relationship. While what happened was not your fault, a relationship is the responsibility of both partners. Learning what went wrong could help you have a stronger, healthier connection in the future.
Go back to the beginning. Reconnecting with our partner after an affair can feel awkward, but we can also treat it like a fresh start. Taking time to get to know one another again is an excellent jumping-off point. Organize enjoyable, relaxed dates. Try new and exciting things together. Plan thoughtful “just because” surprises. Wooing back your beloved while making sweet memories to build upon for the future can also help you learn even more about your partner and maybe yourself.
Give it time. Working toward rebuilding a relationship following infidelity will have ups and downs. A commitment to one another and resolving your issues is imperative, and unfortunately, there is no fast track to healing. It takes time to develop the loving, trusting, secure bond broken by an affair, so patience and persistence are essential.
Seek counseling together. A skilled, licensed couples’ therapist can help you avoid an unproductive spiral of blame and shame, guiding you to get to the heart of why the infidelity happened. A caring counselor can facilitate profound, effective communication in which you both feel heard and cared for. Above all, your therapist can guide you forward into an even healthier, richer relationship than you had before.
